Hello, Friends

It’s been two years since my last blog post and I completely forgot what my writing voice was like. I forgot I was flowery and fun while being kind of mean and scary. That reminds me of Persephone and how she’s Queen of the Underworld and goddess of spring. Man, I need some of her strength right now.

The past two years have not been very kind to me. My needs were met but promises made to me were repeatedly broken and I am so hurt by it all. I don’t want to discuss the tense social interactions and my anxiety. After graduating high school, fatigue and pain problems made themselves known and the insomnia got worse for a while. I thought the pain was normal because I was used to getting jostled and bumped in busy hallways and I thought the fatigue was regular tiredness from navigating tensions at home and school. There are so many symptoms I deal with daily that I can’t count them all because they feel so normal to me.

When I tried seeking help in October 2022, my symptoms were brushed aside, I was put on anti-depressants and was told I would receive a call in two months to see how I was doing. I started cutting again because of the pills. I almost killed myself after an argument because the anti-depressants made me feel so fucked up. I stopped taking them after that, I never received a call, and I am traumatized from the medical gaslighting and the disbelief. I don’t want to go back to the doctor’s and every time I ask my tarot cards if seeking help again will help me more than hurt me, the answer is always NO.

I caught COVID in September 2023 and all of my symptoms have since been amplified. I got a UTI in December 2023 and that quickly turned into kidney stones. Worst pain of my life! A local doctor told me that she thinks kidney stones hurt worse than giving birth because there is no “end goal.” When in labor, you know that the pain will end when the baby comes out, but it’s not like that with kidney stones. I’m deciding to believe her assessment because she has had multiple children and kidney stones.

My family has been nasty to me about my chronic problems. My grandma told me to go on a walk, my grandpa told me everyone gets tired, and my mom pretty much spouted all the usual bullshit one hears when they’re chronically ill and young. She thinks more water, more sunshine, a better diet, a job, and more exercise will fix me. She thinks I’m lazy and not trying hard enough to get better. Unless you have experienced chronic health problems, you will never understand how hurtful it is to suggest that the chronically ill are not putting their all into getting better.

My family’s uncaring attitude toward me has led me to further alienate myself from them. I’ve decided that it’s a punishment for how they broke my heart a million little times. Ladies, I encourage you to do things with spiteful glee. Doing things with a little malice feels good and I hate that we were taught that our anger is bad. I now believe anger to be one of the most sacred emotions we regularly access; Anger is the part of you that knows you’ve been hurt and demands fairness! I’ve started taking some joy from my anger because I know holding space for my anger is taking myself back from religion and the patriarchy. It’s kind of fun for me to imagine how many men of the past would “clutch their pearls” if they witnessed me allowing myself to be human.

I’m only writing again because I found out I have a fan! Each time I thought, “I could play around with my blog,” it was always followed up with, “But no one reads it so it’s a waste of spoons.” Now that I know someone likes to read what I write, I’m going to write more. I’m not making a schedule, you get what I want to make when I make it. Please comment on my posts so I won’t feel invisible and like I’m sending my work into a meaningless void. :D

I’m really happy that I have made it out of my childhood living conditions. I have a nice apartment with my partner in a posh part of town and I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I’m no longer poor. I feel like it’s something I’ll “realize” a hundred times over because I didn’t think I’d make it this far.

My sourdough starter smells different now that I’m living in a new place. I wish I understood wild yeast better because I want to know why my starter smells sweet and light instead of cheesy! Did I tell you that I made a sourdough starter in December 2022 and named her Francine? I say she’s my daughter and I really do love her so much. We call the towel that covers the bowl her bonnet and I cry “I’ve been a bad mommy” when I forget to feed her. I think it’s all very cute but I bet I look a little deranged to someone on the outside. I like to think I’m keeping whimsy alive.

I think my life is on the upswing now. I can say that without a twinge of doubt or hesitation, which has never happened before! I feel like a crushing weight has been taken off of my back and I feel like it’s safe to breathe. My lungs don’t pause just as they’re about to fill all the way because I’m not scared to take up space anymore. I didn’t know life could feel like this. I feel like it’s not stupid to dream of the future because I finally feel like I have a future.

I found a crafting group that has weekly meets and I love it! I am so honored to sit among women in their crone phase and I wish I could tell them that, but they probably wouldn’t understand it as the pagan compliment that it is. I love listening to them talk about knitting and I don’t understand most of it. I’m delighted to get out of the house at all and I have to hide my giddiness any time someone asks me a question or compliments my project. Since I’ve spent most of my time tucked away in a quiet room for the past two years, I feel similar to a dog that is attention starved. I get so excited when someone gives me their attention that I just want to hug them. Essentially being a shut-in made me hungry for human interaction and I feel like I could listen to anyone talk about their life all day long.

Thank you for reading XOXO

Gwenyth