Another Apology

Hello, dear readers. I’m sorry for another absence. I know now that I am writing to no one but myself, but oh well.

I’ve recently graduated from high school and somehow I managed to get through I all. Six months ago, I truly believed the world had nothing for me. Six months ago, I planned on being dead in a field somewhere. Parts of my decision against suicide were as follows: I found somewhere safe and happy to go after high school, I’d leave a gaping hole in a few people’s lives if I was suddenly gone, and one student suicide this school year is far too much. I didn’t want to be another tragedy.

I’ve been busy moving and trying to get my life in order. My living space has been messy and so has my mental health. A poor diet, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, etc, do not help with the motivation to clean and unpack small things.

The nightmares have worsened and my sleep schedule has been fucked beyond any semblance of something healthy. I find myself waking up around 1 A.M. to 4 A.M. and being unable to go back to sleep. Past traumas keep worming their way into my brain at night, and I’ve found myself missing when I would have scary dreams of vampires wanting to hurt me and eat my horse. Blood-thirsty night creatures would be a bit more bearable than reliving traumatic memories nearly every night. Sometimes 2-3 times a night. It’s exhausting.

A new mother figure made me rest today. I have slowly been burning myself out with school work, crochet projects, wanting to read a hundred books, moving, trying to deal with an exhausting family, and hoping my friends that are struggling much more than I are being kind to themselves, and more. I took a nap that lasted three hours and I woke up being able to feel joy again. It had been a few days haha.

Now that I have the time to pursue things that set my soul alight, I have no excuse for not writing. Well, I have one reason not to write. I’m currently the only person that reads this blog. Even though that’s the case, I see no reason as to why I can’t chase something that brings me a little joy.

I apologize to you for being gone, and I apologize to myself for not being good to my mind, soul, and body. I will do my best to start a proper release schedule for reading material for you ghouls.

I’m trying with all my might to find joy and metaphorical sunshine in the small things I used to be able to do. As I’m writing this, I’m appreciating the nighttime view of this sadly conservative town I’m stuck in. I miss being able to see the stars. I miss living in the country with a silly black dog that didn’t know how to play gently. But now that I live in town again, I have quick access to a library, the grocery store isn’t too far away, and my friends don’t have to drive 22 miles if they want to hang out with me in their free time.

I realized today that tomorrow is Friday the 13th, so I will do my best to get something worthwhile to you. We have also passed the first birthday of Gwenyth’s Graveyard! These two events have further prompted me to write. I regret that I couldn't write on the anniversary of one of my few joy's birth, but alas... ear wax (please get the reference!)

With much love,

Gwenyth Ravencroft